The Host Chapter 30: Abbreviated

M el? he asked again, the hope he didnt want to feel coloring his look.My breath caught in another(prenominal) sob, an aftershock.You know that was for you, Mel. You know that. non for h-it. You know I wasnt kissing it.My next sob was louder, a moan. wherefore couldnt I shut up? I seek holding my breath.If youre in t here, Mel He pa economic consumptiond.Melanie hated the if. A sob burst up through my lungs, and I gasped for air.I love you, Jared say. Even if youre not at that place, if you cant chance upon me. I love you.I held my breath again, biting my lip until it bled. The physical pain didnt distract me as a good deal as I wished it would.It was silent international the hole, and and then silent inside, in any case, as I cancelled blue. I listened intently, concent tail ending only on what I could hear. I wouldnt think. There was no sound.I was wrestle into the closely impossible position. My head was the lowest point, the refine side of my face pressed against the rough rock floor. My shoulders were slanted around a crumpled box edge, the good higher than the left. My hips angled the opposite panache, with my left calf pressed to the ceiling. Fighting with the boxes had left bruises-I could feel them forming. I knew I would keep back to find any(prenominal) steering to explain to Ian and Jamie that I had done this to myself, precisely how? What should I say? How could I tell them that Jared had kissed me as a test, like giving a lab rat a jolt of electricity to observe its reaction?And how long was I supposed to hold this position? I didnt want to make any noise, further it matte like my spine was going to snap in a minute. The pain got more difficult to bear every second. I wouldnt be satisfactory to bear it in silence for long. Already, a whimper was rising in my throat.Melanie had nothing to say to me. She was quietly working through her own relief and fury. Jared had talk to her, finally recognized her existence. He had tol d her he loved her. alone he had kissed me. She was trying to convince herself that there was no occasion to be wounded by this, trying to believe all the solid reasons why this wasnt what it felt like. Trying, but not heretofore succeeding. I could hear all this, but it was directed internally. She wasnt speak to me-in the juvenile, petty sense of the phrase. I was getting the cold shoulder.I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her eradication from my mind. No, I felt my own sense of betrayal now. How could she be angry with me for what had happened? How did that make sense? How was it my fault that Id fallen in love because of the memories she forced on me and then been overthrown by this unruly body? I cared that she was suffering, yet my pain meant nothing to her. She enjoyed it. Vicious human.Tears, untold weaker than the others, flowed down my cheeks in silence. Her hostility toward me simmered in my mind.Abruptly, the pain in my bruised, twisted back was too lots. The straw on the camel.Ung, I grunted, pushing against stone and cardboard as I shoved myself backward.I didnt care ab get laid in the noise anymore, I just wanted fall step forward. I swore to myself that I would neer cross the threshold of this wretched pit again- final stage first. Literally.It was harder to worm out than it had been to dive in. I wiggled and squirmed around until I felt like I was making things worsened, bending myself into the shape of a lopsided pretzel. I started to cry again, like a child, afraid that I would never get free.Melanie sighed. Hook your foot around the edge of the mouth and pull yourself out, she suggested.I ignored her, struggling to work my torso around a particularly pointy corner. It jabbed me just under the ribs.Dont be petty, she grumbled.Thats rich, coming from you.I know. She hesitated, then caved. Okay, sorry. I am. Look, Im human. Its hard to be fair sometimes. We dont unendingl y feel the right thing, do the right thing. The resentment was still there, but she was trying to forgive and forget that Id just do out with her true love-thats the way she thought of it, at least.I subject my foot around the edge and yanked. My knee hit the floor, and I used that leverage to lift my ribs off the point. It was easier then to get my other foot out and yank again. Finally, my hands found the floor and I shoved my way through, a breech birth, falling onto the dark green mat. I lay there for a moment, facedown, breathing. I was sure at this point that Jared was long gone, but I didnt make certain of that right away. I just breathed in and out until I felt prepared to lift my head.I was alone. I tried to hold on to the relief and forget the sorrow this fact engendered. It was better to be alone. Less humiliating.I curled up on the mat, pressing my face against the musty fabric. I wasnt sleepy, but I was tired. The crushing load of Jareds rejection was so argillaceou s it exhausted me. I closed my look and tried to think about things that wouldnt make my stinging look tear again. Anything but the appalled look on Jareds face when hed broken away from meWhat was Jamie doing now? Did he know I was here, or was he looking for me? Ian would be asleep for a long time, hed looked so exhausted. Would Kyle wake soon? Would he come in search? Where was Jeb? I hadnt seen him all day. Was Doc really drinking himself unconscious? That seemed so unlike himI woke slowly, roused by my growling abdominal cavity. I lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to orient myself. Was it day or night? How long had I slept here alone?My stomach wouldnt be ignored for long, though, and I rolled up onto my knees. I must pee-pee slept for a while to be this hungry-missed a repast or two.I considered eating something from the supply pile in the hole-after all, Id already damaged pretty much everything, maybe destroyed some. But that only made me feel guiltier about the idea of taking more. Id go scavenge some rolls from the kitchen.I was feeling a little hurt, on top of all the unfit hurt, that Id been down here so long without anyone coming to look for me-what a vain attitude why should anyone care what happened to me?-so I was relieved and appeased to find Jamie posing in the doorway to the big garden, his back turned on the human world behind him, unmistakably waiting for me.My eyes brightened, and so did his. He scramble to his feet, relief washing over his features.Youre okay, he said I wished he were right. He began to ramble. I mean, I didnt think Jared was lying, but he said he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said I couldnt go check on you and that I had to stay right here where he could see that I wasnt sneaking back there, but even though I didnt think you were hurt or anything, it was hard to not know for sure, you know?Im fine, I told him. But I held my arms out, seeking comfort. He threw his arms around my waist, and I was shocke d to find that his head could rest on my shoulder while we stood.Your eyes are red, he verbalise. Was he mean to you?No. After all, people werent intentionally cruel to lab rats-they were just trying to get information.Whatever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?Shes glad about that.He nodded, pleased. How about you?I hesitated, looking for a genuine response. Telling the truth is easier for me than trying to hide it.My evasion seemed to answer the drumhead enough to satisfy him.Behind him, the fire up in the garden was red and fading. The insolate had already set on the desert.Im hungry, I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.I knew you would be. I saved you something good.I sighed. Breads fine.Let it go, Wanda. Ian says youre too self-sacrificing for your own good.I made a face.I think hes got a point, Jamie muttered. Even if we all want you here, you dont belong until you decide you do.I cant ever belong. And nobody really w ants me here, Jamie.I do.I didnt fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying. But what he really wanted was Melanie. He didnt separate us the way he should.Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns taking bites.Its good to see you, Wanda, Trudy said sincerely, covering her mouth while she speak because she was still chewing her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth sunk in the apple. Jamie nudged me, trying to be inconspicuous about it-pointing out that people wanted me. He wasnt making allowances for common courtesy.Did you save her dinner? he asked eagerly.Yep, Trudy said. She bent down beside the oven and came back with a metal tray in her hand. Kept it warm. Its probably nasty and toughie now, but its better than the usual.On the tray was a rather large piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I rejected the portion Id been allotted.Its too much.We have to eat all the perishables the first day, Jamie encouraged me. Everyone eats themselves sick-its a tradition.You need the protein, Trudy added. We were on cave rations too long. Im surprised no ones in worse shape.I ate my protein while Jamie watched with hawk-like attention as each bite traveled from the tray to my mouth. I ate it all to please him, though it made my stomach ache to eat so much.The kitchen started to fill up again as I was finishing. A few had apples in their hands-all sharing with someone else. Curious eyes examined the sore side of my face.Whys everyone coming here now? I muttered to Jamie. It was black outside, the dinner hour long over.Jamie looked at me blankly for a second. To hear you teach. His tone added the words of course.Are you kidding me?I told you nothings changed.I stared around the narrow room. It wasnt a full house. No Doc tonight, and none of the returned raiders, which meant no Paige, either. No Jeb, no Ian, no Walter. A few others missing Trav is, Carol, Ruth Ann. But more than I would have thought, if Id thought anyone would consider following the normal routine after much(prenominal) an abnormal day.Can we go back to the Dolphins, where we left off? Wes asked, interrupting my evaluation of the room. I could see that hed taken it upon himself to start the ball rolling, rather than that he was vitally interested in the kinship circles of an alien artificial satellite.Everyone looked at me expectantly. Apparently, life was not changing as much as Id thought.I took a tray of rolls from Heidis hands and turned to shove it into the stone oven. I started talking with my back still turned.So um hmm the, uh, third set of grandparents They traditionally serve the community, as they see it. On Earth, they would be the breadwinners, the ones who leave the home and bring back sustenance. They are farmers, for the most part. They cultivate a plant-like growth that they milk for its sap And life went on.Jamie tried to talk me out of sleeping in the supply corridor, but his attempt was halfhearted. There just wasnt another place for me. Stubborn as usual, he insisted on sharing my quarters. I imagined Jared didnt like that, but as I didnt see him that night or the next day, I couldnt verify my theory.It was awkward again, going about my usual chores, with the 6 raiders home-just like when Jeb had first forced me to join the community. Hostile stares, angry silences. It was harder for them than it was for me, though-I was used to it. They, on the other hand, were entirely unaccustomed to the way everyone else treated me. When I was service with the corn harvest, for example, and Lily thanked me for a fresh basket with a smile, Andys eyes bulged in their sockets at the exchange. Or when I was waiting for the bathing pool with Trudy and Heidi, and Heidi began playing with my hair. It was growing, always swinging in my eyes these days, and I was planning to shear it off again. Heidi was trying to find a style for me, flipping the strands this way and that. Brandt and Aaron-Aaron was the oldest man whod gone on the long raid, someone I couldnt remember having seen before at all-came out and found us there, Trudy laughing at some silly atrocity Heidi was attempting to pretend atop my head, and both men turned a little green and stalked silently past us.Of course, little things like that were nothing. Kyle roamed the caves now, and though he was simply under orders to leave me in peace, his expression made it clear that this restriction was repugnant to him. I was always with others when I crossed his path, and I wondered if that was the only reason he did nothing more than glower at me and unconsciously curl his thick fingers into claws. This brought back all the panic from my first weeks here, and I might have succumbed to it-begun hiding again, avoiding the common areas-but something more important than Kyles murderous glares came to my attention that second night.The kitchen filled up ag ain-Im not sure how much was interest in my stories and how much was interest in the chocolate bars Jeb handed out. I declined mine, explaining to a disgruntled Jamie that I couldnt talk and chew at the same time I suspected that he would save one for me, obstinate as ever. Ian was back in his usual hot seat by the fire, and Andy was there-eyes wary-beside Paige. None of the other raiders, including Jared, of course, was in attendance. Doc was not there, and I wondered if he was still drunk or perhaps hung-over. And again, Walter was absent.Geoffrey, Trudys husband, questioned me for the first time tonight. I was pleased, though I tried not to show it, that he seemed to have joined the ranks of the humans who tolerated me. But I couldnt answer his questions well, which was too bad. His questions were like Docs.I dont really know anything about Healing, I admitted. I never went to a Healer after after I first got here. I havent been sick. All I know is that we wouldnt choose a planet unless we were able to maintain the host bodies perfectly. Theres nothing that cant be healed, from a simple cut, a broken bone, to a disease. Old age is the only cause of death now. Even wellnessy human bodies were only designed to last for so long. And there are accidents, too, I guess, though those dont happen as often with the souls. Were cautious. fortify humans arent just an accident, someone muttered. I was moving hot rolls I didnt see who spoke, and I didnt recognize the voice.Yes, thats true, I agreed evenly.So you dont know what they use to cure diseases, then? Geoffrey pressed. Whats in their medications?I shook my head. Im sorry, I dont. It wasnt something I was interested in, back when I had access to the information. Im afraid I took it for granted. Good health is simply a given on every planet Ive lived on.Geoffreys red cheeks flushed brighter than usual. He looked down, an angry set to his mouth. What had I said to offend him?Heath, sit beside Geoffrey, patted his arm. There was a pregnant silence in the room.Uh-about the Vultures Ian said-the words were forced, a deliberate subject change. I dont know if I missed this part sometime, but I dont remember you ever explaining about them being unkind?It wasnt something I had explained, but I was pretty sure he wasnt really that interested-this was just the first question hed been able to think of.My informal class ended earlier than usual. The questions were slow, and most of them supplied by Jamie and Ian. Geoffreys questions had left everyone else preoccupied.Well, weve got an early one tomorrow, tearing down the stalks Jeb mused after yet another awkward silence, making the words a dismissal. People rose to their feet and stretched, talking in low voices that werent casual enough.What did I say? I whispered to Ian.Nothing. Theyve got mortality on their minds. He sighed.My human brain made one of those leaps in understanding that they called intuition.Wheres Walter? I demanded, still whispering .Ian sighed again. Hes in the south wing. Hes not doing well.Why didnt anyone tell me?Things have been difficult for you lately, soI shook my head impatiently at that consideration. Whats wrong with him?Jamie was there beside me now he took my hand.Some of Walters clappers snapped, theyre so brittle, he said in a hushed voice. Docs sure its cancer-final stages, he says.Walt must have been keeping quiet about the pain for a long while now, Ian added somberly.I winced. And theres nothing to be done? Nothing at all?Ian shook his head, keeping his brilliant eyes on mine. Not for us. Even if we werent stuck here, there would be no help for him now. We never cured that one.I bit my lip against the suggestion I wanted to make. Of course there was nothing to do for Walter. Any of these humans would rather die slowly and in pain than trade their mind for their bodys cure. I could understand that now.Hes been asking for you, Ian continued. Well, he says your name sometimes its hard to tell w hat he means-Docs keeping him drunk to help with the pain.Doc feels real bad about using so much of the alcohol himself, Jamie added. Bad timing, all around.Can I see him? I asked. Or will that make the others unhappy?Ian frowned and snorted. Wouldnt that be just like some people, to get worked up over this? He shook his head. Who cares, though, right? If its Walts final wishRight, I agreed. The word final had my eyes burning. If seeing me is what Walter wants, then I guess it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, or if they get mad.Dont worry about that-Im not going to let anybody harass you. Ians white lips pressed into a thin line.I felt anxious, like I wanted to look at a clock. Time had ceased to mean much to me, but suddenly I felt the weight of a deadline. Is it too late to go tonight? Will we disturb him?Hes not sleeping regular hours. We can go see.I started walking at once, dragging Jamie because he still gripped my hand. The sense of passing time, of endings and finality , propelled me forward. Ian caught up quickly, though, with his long stride.In the moonlit garden cavern, we passed others who for the most part paid us no mind. I was too often in the company of Jamie and Ian to cause any curiosity, though we werent headed for the usual tunnels.The one exception was Kyle. He froze midstride when he saw his companion beside me. His eyes flashed down to see Jamies hand in mine, and then his lips twisted into a snarl.Ian squared his shoulders as he absorbed his brothers reaction-his mouth curled into a mirror of Kyles-and he deliberately reached for my other hand. Kyle made a noise like he was about to be sick and turned his back on us.When we were in the blackness of the long tunnel south, I tried to free that hand. Ian gripped it tighter.I wish you wouldnt make him angrier, I muttered.Kyle is wrong. Being wrong is sort of a habit with him. Hell take longer than anyone else to get over it, but that doesnt mean we should make allowances for him.He fr ightens me, I admitted in a whisper. I dont want him to have more reasons to hate me.Ian and Jamie squeezed my hands at the same time. They spoke simultaneously.Dont be afraid, Jamie said.Jebs made his opinion very clear, Ian said.What do you mean? I asked Ian.If Kyle cant accept Jebs rules, then hes no longer welcome here.But thats wrong. Kyle belongs here.Ian grunted. Hes staying so hell just have to learn to deal.We didnt talk again through the long walk. I was feeling guilty-it seemed to be a permanent emotional state here. Guilt and fear and heartbreak. Why had I come?Because you do belong here, oddly enough, Melanie whispered. She was very aware of the cacoethes of Ians and Jamies hands, wrapped around and twined with mine. Where else have you ever had this?Nowhere, I confessed, feeling only more depressed. But it doesnt make me belong. Not the way you do.Were a package deal, Wanda.As if I needed remindingI was a little surprised to hear her so clearly. Shed been quiet the la st two days, waiting, anxious, hoping to see Jared again. Of course, Id been similarly occupied.mayhap hes with Walter. Maybe thats where hes been, Melanie thought hopefully.Thats not why were going to see Walter.No. Of course not. Her tone was repentant, but I realized that Walter did not mean as much to her as he did to me. Naturally, she was sad that he was dying, but she had accepted that outcome from the beginning. I, on the other hand, could not bring myself to accept it, even now. Walter was my friend, not hers. I was the one hed defended.One of those dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that the lanterns were solar powered, left in sunny corners during the day to charge.) We all travel more quietly, slowing at the same time without having to discuss it.I hated this room. In the darkness, with the odd shadows thrown by the weak glow, it seemed only more forbidding. There was a new smell-the room reeked of slow decay and stinging alcohol a nd bile.Two of the cots were occupied. Docs feet hung over the edge of one I recognized his light snore. On the other, looking hideously withered and misshapen, Walter watched us approach.Are you up for visitors, Walt? Ian whispered when Walters eyes drifted in his direction.Ungh, Walter moaned. His lips drooped from his slack face, and his skin gleamed wetly in the low light.Is there anything you need? I murmured. I pulled my hands free-they fluttered helplessly in the air between me and Walter.His loosely rolling eyes searched the darkness. I took a step closer.Is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?His eyes roamed till they found my face. Abruptly, they focused through the drunken stupor and the pain.Finally, he gasped. His breath wheezed and whistled. I knew you would come if I waited long enough. Oh, Gladys, I have so much to tell you.